Five years ago today, January 24th, having cleared my debts (student loans & credit cards), quit my job (running a community multimedia center), and packed up my material belongings (to fit into a small room full of boxes), I arrived in India (for the fifth time), this time without a return ticket.
I happily traded the concrete NYC jungle of convenience for the real Himalayan jungle, where I’ve: cut firewood to heat water for a warm bath, washed my clothes in a bucket, hanged them on a line to dry, and sometimes gone months without social media. I’ve bounced between living in ashrams with sanyasis; staying in caves at pilgrimage places; living in ashrams with meditating / collaborating teachers where we co-ran a school of over 100 students (KG-8th) – where I learned to maintain a constant awareness of my breath. I finally made peace with my past (forgiving my father in person, letting go of the luggage of my childhood, accepting he is no longer the man who did / or didn’t do all that, realizing that man no longer exists, allowing myself to meet him again, as if for the first time, as new). I then further bounced between living among 23 people – ages 7-37 in a modest house, nestled in the Indian Himalayas in Garhwal region, Uttarakhand – where we meditated, farmed, composted, cooked, swam, hiked, made music, sang, danced, painted, drew and ran a holistic education experiment (ie. alternative home-school) together – where I was taught (alongside the most incredibly wise school children) to “look at myself, listen to myself, and truly understand myself” and I was forced to face my American-ness, much of which (as seen in the mirror of them) I was eager to shed. All of this preparing myself for once again hosting an international camp during the Kumbh Mela; doing seva in a Juna Akhara ashram where I was the only woman and only foreigner – where I learned to get over my feminist ego, learned the art and felt the compassion of Indian hospitality through serving guests; doing seva at a Vipassana Center guiding foreigners through their first major inner journey… however amazing, I’m becoming more settled than bouncing between all of that.
Today I reflect on these past five years; I’m reminded, my original intention was to continue working on a documentary film that got its birth during the 2001 Maha Kumbh Mela, or produce a book (with potential publishers even lined up and waiting). That’s what we do in America, we set professional goals, with intentions to become someone having produced something substantial to show off to the world.
But as I replay in my mind the scenes of this film, this novel, (my own story unfolds) all that has happened to me in these past five years (incidents, struggles, purges, rebirths), I realize I’ve created something far more substantial than any motion picture light show that can be projected on a wall, far more substantial than any expensive hardcover coffee table book; in five years time I’ve (re)created myself. And as the search for good characters becomes the search for good gurus, the lessons get deeper and deeper, and the filmmaker / photographer / writer (myself) gets so engrossed in being (present) in the moment, soaking up all the wisdom I can digest, that actually doing sadhana begins to take precedence over documenting it.
The past 10+ months I’ve found a balance in the extremes (I’ve once bounced between) and began traveling down my personal middle path. I’ve shifted to Santosh Puri Ashram, among guests who speak my mother tongue, with the opportunity to share my 15 years of experience navigating this incredibly deep spiritual culture. And after years of self-practice, I’ve finally completed a 500 hour Hatha Yoga Teacher Training; this week I’ve began my next chapter, teaching here at the Ashram.
India is still my mirror,
reflecting upon me the western culture, I left behind
which shaped all the ways of being, I feel
myself shedding each and every moment…
And as I re-discover India through the fresh eyes of all these foreign guests, I begin to notice, however too I am a foreigner, I’m not so foreign as most. And after five years in this country, most of the time avoiding hanging around foreigners and truly trying to assimilate into the culture as much as possible, I now can see (in the mirror of them) that I have indeed shed a great deal of my previous cultural conditioning. And recognize that only once we clean the lenses can we view the world (however crazy this India may seem to those first timers), as it is, not through the (Western) eyes that assume we know best how it should be.
As I attempt to recall the scenes of my own story, I’m realizing the power of thoughts manifesting reality, the power of repetitious expressions of gratitude manifesting miracles, enlightening my correct path… and as I reflect back, I realize… I’ve designed everything around me, from my daydreams and muses captured in a zillion notebook pages… it’s already been written.
And sometimes the hard way, I’ve learned “you don’t plan India, India plans you” maybe this is true in life in general. Recently someone asked me “So how do we know if our plans are the right plans?” I believe it is when life begins to flow without obstruction that we can trust “our plan” is resonating with “The (divine) Plan”. And I can truly say for once in my life, these two plans are finally in synch and the path is definitely illuminated.
Through this inner journey I’m on, of sadhana (seva, asana, pranayama, vipassana meditation, swadhyaya) I’ve come to know some real truths about life:
I’ve come to understand how one needs to be still in order to truly listen to others and why one needs to be silent on top of that in order to truly listen to oneself. And as such I have begun to trust that I can find all the answers I need inside, once I can get myself to that place of silent stillness.
I’ve come to deeply understand, a yogi is not just someone who can twist their body and hold it into odd positions long enough to click selfies and become Instagram famous. Through my own practice I realize all this stretching, twisting and holding myself in odd positions is actually a method for me to transcend duality, moving beyond the preferences of likes and dislikes, beyond craving and aversion, beyond comfort and discomfort – ultimately to have a balanced mind in all situations. I’ve discovered the ultimate inner truth baring, emotional barometer that is my own breath.
It is by swimming to the depth of our own ocean that we find inner calmness. Those who struggle among the waves to stay afloat at the surface only perpetuate their struggle by being the very cause of their ocean’s turbulence.
This past year has seemed to be the culmination of several years of purification (since I arrived 5 years ago today). It is through this purification that the lenses have a clearer view, and the connection to the divine (the fine tuned intuition) is possible. And I’ve once again realized, I must surrender to “The Plan”, accepting what opportunities have been put in front of me, accepting my Dharma (duty), do my Karma (work), trust that everything is going as it should and be grateful for how well it is going.
Here’s to seeing the world from a totally new perspective.
Thank you all who have been with me on this journey. You know who you are.
Om Namo Narayan!
